Let’s be honest, dating today is already challenging. Gone are the days of approaching someone in person and courting. Now you must swipe right, condense your entire life into one-line prompts, and learn a new language to understand terms like ‘situationship’, ‘ghosting’ and ‘inflationship.’ Sigh.
However, modern dating and the dating apps do serve a purpose and can be quite beneficial for someone who has just come out of a toxic relationship.
First, you can vet people. If I saw someone that had the same or similar job as my ex, they got a swipe to the left! I knew what would trigger me, so I didn’t bother trying to connect with people who held those triggers, at least in the early stages until I was further along in my healing process.
Second, there is less pressure to commit to someone long-term if you have met them online and only had a couple of dates. You can respectfully let them down and say no if it doesn’t feel right. That is considered normal in today’s modern dating scene.
So, how are you meant to put yourself back out there and date if you have just come from a toxic relationship? Here are 7 tips to get you started and get excited – dating is meant to be fun!
1. Don’t Date
OK that was misleading! But hear me out…if you have just come from being in a toxic relationship, you likely did not have much control over your life. This is finally your time. Use this opportunity to be on your own and live your life the way you want to. It might not feel like it at the time because the initial feelings of loneliness are overwhelming, but trust me, being on your own and living free and independently is absolute gold. You won’t recognise yourself…in a good way!
2. Trust Your Gut
I sort of hate it when people say this as it feels a bit ‘airy fairy.’ But after being in a toxic relationship where my stomach would literally make me sick by turning in knots, and years of dating where my gut was always right…it has become sound advice. Your body knows when something is off. Don’t try and make excuses for someone who is ‘great on paper’ if your gut didn’t like something else they did. It can only ever get worse, not better. So, if you gut is telling you something is not right, it probably isn’t.
3. Do Not Paint Your Dates with the Same Brush as your Ex
Easier said than done. You went through something traumatic with your ex, and that is going to take time to heal and fully recover from. It can take years depending on the type and level of trauma they inflicted on you. So, it is important to be aware of your past but do not be too wary of the next person in front of you. They are not your ex. It is not fair to paint them with your past trauma to the extent you judge them based on actions they have not done.
4. Put Yourself First
That doesn’t mean be entitled and selfish…but it does mean be a little selfish. This is your opportunity to put yourself first. If you have come from a toxic relationship, you were likely never first or felt like you mattered enough to be first in someone else’s life. You do now – in yours. Start thinking not about what someone else will like and think, but “What do I like?”
5. Be Safe
It goes without saying, but be safe. When I was dating, I was not the type to message friends and tell them where I would be and when, so I won’t be a hypocrite and tell you to do the same. But I did have a few safety rules. I would always go to a public place for the first date, I would never have them pick me up from my house, and I would always take my dog on the first date! Not everyone is going to have a dog as a safety net, so that’s a bit niche in terms of advice. But do what makes you feel safe and comfortable. If that is messaging a friend and telling them where you are or asking them to hide in a corner at the same place just in case, then do that – you need to feel safe.
6. Know Your Triggers
Coming out of a toxic relationship, you are going to have some triggers. There will be things that remind you of your ex that may trigger a negative or traumatic response like a panic attack. I once went on a date where they ordered a rum and coke, my abusive ex’s drink. A harmless rum and coke was a trigger to me.
Make a list of what you think could be your triggers so you know them and can manage them. But remember Tip Number 3 – Just because they order the same drink as your ex, doesn’t mean they are the same person. So, if you know your triggers, you can realise that is what they are in the moment instead of being caught off guard and potentially heading into a spiral. Also, as mentioned at the start of this blog, you can vet people on the dating apps you think may trigger you. If they have a prompt saying they love a rum and coke, and that is still too raw, don’t go there, swipe left.
7. Have Fun!
Honestly, dating can be and is fun. You should be proud you are putting yourself out there and meeting new people. See the fun in it all. Enjoy the little moments of planning a date, the flirting, getting ready, the pre-date nerves, the funny stories you may have to report back to your friends! Make it fun – go shopping and buy yourself something new to wear on the date, enjoy the process.
So, congratulations. I am proud you are in the stage of healing where you are considering putting yourself out there again. Know that it will be tricky, there will be some bumps, but it is ultimately fun. Take your time and do not date until you are ready. But when you do, make sure you trust your gut, don’t assume your dates are the same as your ex, put yourself first, be safe, know your triggers and have fun!
Disclaimer: The information provided in this blog is for informational purposes only. It is not intended to substitute for professional advice, treatment or diagnosis. Always seek the advice of a professional in these circumstances. Never disregard professional advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website.
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